


Surviving Each Day

by Perpetual Motion (perpetfic)



Series: Baby Thomas [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Kid Fic, M/M, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 00:01:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12828957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetfic/pseuds/Perpetual%20Motion
Summary: Thank you to ToniMacAttack for letting me drown her in tumblr messages as I figured out how to tell this story.





	Surviving Each Day

When Rafael wakes up, he knows without checking it's 3:41. He lies still and counts the seconds off silently. At thirty-three, a sharp wail cuts through the apartment. It's not his night to get up, so he rolls over to press on Sonny's shoulder. 

Sonny's already sitting up. In the faint glow of the hallway night light, Rafael can just make out his shape. He watches as the tired slump of his shoulders straightens as he stands, and he closes his eyes as Sonny quietly pads down the hall. 

He opens his eyes again two minutes later. Thomas is still wailing, which isn't right. He always quiets down as soon as one of them picks him up. He might not go fully silent until he's got the bottle, but his wailing turns to a sniffly fussiness that you only hear if you hold him. Rafael counts to thirty, and Thomas is still wailing, so he gets out of bed.

Sonny's walking back and forth in the nursery, making quiet shushing noises and trying to give Thomas his bottle. He won't take it, turning his head away and pressing his tiny fingers against the bottle like he has the strength to push it away. Sonny looks up at Rafael, shaking his head to show he doesn't know what's wrong. 

"Is the milk bad?" Rafael asks around a yawn. 

"I don't think so. Chloe dropped it by the squad right before I left tonight. She wanted to make sure we had extra since his appetite's gone up."

"Here," Rafael says, holding out a hand and meaning to take the bottle to check. Sonny passes him Thomas instead, and Rafael immediately curls him into a safe position in his arms. 

Thomas goes quiet. The fussy quiet that means he's happy to be held. Rafael stares down at him and feels like the world just changed. 

Sonny tips the bottle into Thomas's mouth, and he starts to drink. "Guess he just wanted you," Sonny says.

Rafael looks up, ready to argue that that can't be it. 

*

It's been five months since Sonny came home and sat him down and explained that his last attempt at a relationship before Rafael had ended in a pregnancy. Her name is Chloe. She is a civil engineer. She had come to the station very pregnant and told Sonny it was his. She hadn't told him before because they'd simply been two people who went on a few dates and had some fun sex then called it off. But now that her delivery date was coming up, there was paperwork to consider. Did Sonny want to sign off on parental rights?

"You don't," Rafael says, interrupting what is clearly a very prepared speech on Sonny's part. 

Sonny deflates and slumps to sit on the coffee table. "No. But." He looks at Rafael, and his face is so open and honest, Rafael can't breathe. It's been eight months he's been getting that look, but it hasn't stopped slamming him in the gut. "But you don't want kids," Sonny says.

Rafael sits with that for a moment. "That doesn't sound like a break up line."

Sonny grabs his hands, running his thumbs back and forth over Rafael's knuckles. "I finally got you. I want it to stay that way." 

Rafael looks down at their hands and squeezes. Sonny returns the pressure. He wonders where to even start explaining how complicated this feels. He wants this kid to have a good dad, and Sonny will be a good dad, no question. But even if he asks for minimal contact, the kid will still know him on some level, and what if…

He looks at Sonny's face, still open and honest, and he makes a decision. "I need you to call Rollins."

Sonny looks perplexed. "What?"

"If I call her, she's going to think it's work-related. I need you to call her and hand the phone over. I assume she knows what's happening."

"Yeah. Of course. I just--"

"I need to talk to Rollins."

Sonny presses his mouth closed. "Okay." He takes out his phone and dials. "Hey, yeah, look, um. Rafael needs to talk to you. It's about the whole baby situation, but he won't tell me exactly--okay, okay, geez." He hands the phone to Rafael with a shake of his head. "She about yelled my ear off to hand the phone over."

"Can you go into the bedroom?" Rafael asks as he holds the phone in his hand. 

Sonny looks confused again but presses a kiss to Rafael's forehead then does as he asks.

Rafael puts the phone to his ear and lets out a breath. "Hi, Rollins."

"I'm guessing you don't want to hear congratulations," she replies, sounding wry and sympathetic.

"No." Rafael stares at the ceiling and decides being straightforward is the only real option. "I know your pregnancy wasn't planned, and I know you were...worried about how you'd do as a mother, and I know Sonny helped you with that." He doesn't know what else to say. 

Rollins hums in a considering way. "I think I know what you need to hear, and it's also truthful, so that helps. Here's the deal, Barba. I was pretty certain I was gonna eat my young, okay? Given my own history as a person, the history in my family, and just everything in general, I thought I was going to completely fail this kid. I'm not saying I don't occasionally consider baby steaks for dinner because Jesse's been throwing tantrums all day. I'm saying that I figured out that being annoyed at your kid and being a bad parent are very different things. You can lose your temper with your kid. You might even scare the shit out of them. It's about how you handle having done it that matters."

Rafael considers that. "How'd you get to the point that you could see that and know it was true?"

"Sonny. I'd tell him I was scared, and he had my back. The first time I snapped at Jesse, I called him crying my eyes out. He talked me through it. Hell, he got his mom to call me and tell me stories about yelling at him and his sisters. First time Jesse cracked her head against something and bruised herself, he promised me I wasn't a bad mother. Told me to trust him if I couldn't trust myself, so I did. And then I trusted myself after awhile."

"How long did it take?"

"Lord, I don't even remember now. It's all faded away. Right now, I can look over, and Jesse's laying with her face pressed into Frannie's side and talking nonsense, and I kind of can't believe I thought I'd suck at this. There are no perfect parents, and my kid's happy. I'm doing all right. You'll do all right."

"You sound sure about that."

Rollins laughs. "Look, just trust Sonny, okay? If he says you're doing a good job, believe him. That's the best advice I have."

Rafael breathes deep and lets her words settle. The shivery thread of worry running through his body quiets a little. "Okay. Thanks." 

"Sure. Tell Sonny I'll grab coffee for us both tomorrow."

"Will do."

Rafael disconnects the call and walks into the bedroom. Sonny's on the bed staring at a book but clearly not reading it. He looks at Rafael but doesn't speak. "I don't know if I'll be any good at this," Rafael says, "but I'd rather try than not."

Sonny steps off the bed and pulls Rafael into a hug. "Thank you. Sleep on it, okay? I asked Chloe for a couple of days, so you've got a little time."

"Okay," Rafael agrees, though he already knows he's not backing away from this. It means too much to Sonny, and Sonny means too much to him. 

It takes two weeks to turn his home office into a nursery. A week after that, Chloe gives birth. It's a boy, seven pounds, twenty-three inches long. She and Sonny had agreed quickly on the name Thomas Maurice, and he's bright red with Sonny's blue eyes when Sonny passes him to Rafael.

"I don't--"

"Shh," Sonny says. "Here, just crook your forearms." Rafael does so, and Sonny places Thomas into his arms like he's trustworthy. "There," Sonny says and touches Thomas's cheek with one finger. "I need to get a picture."

"Make sure to send me a copy," Chloe says from the bed. She's sweaty and exhausted and smiling when Rafael looks up at her, like she thinks he's trustworthy, too. "I want it for his baby book."

Rafael looks back down at Thomas and waits to feel fulfilled or overwhelmed. All he feels is terrified. He hears the shutter sound as Sonny takes pictures and looks up again after it's gone quiet. "I don't think--"

"Just hold the baby, Rafael," Sonny says, everything about the way he looks at Rafael telling him he trusts him. 

So, Rafael holds the baby. 

*

He learns to change diapers, how to wash an infant. He reads up on tummy time and spends most of it simply watching Thomas wriggle around and gnawing on one tiny fist. He learns how to heat up bottles and how to lay a baby down for a nap. He discovers the agony of getting a wriggly baby into a onesie, and the agony of getting him out of it again because he's made an absolute mess. He finds out his dry cleaner is well acquainted with getting spit up of silk and cashmere and wool. 

One day, to his absolute shock, he discovers Chloe trusts him to take Thomas all on his own, without Sonny there to pick him up for their visits. They split the week down the middle, with Chloe usually bringing Thomas by the station on her way home from work. But Sonny pulls a case last-minute and can't meet her, so she texts Rafael she's headed to the courthouse, and he calls down to the security desk to make sure she gets through easily. 

"Say hi to Daddy!" Chloe says when she walks in after Carmen announces her. She holds up the car seat and gives it a little swing to make Thomas gurgle and shake his fists. "Yeah, you're so happy to see Daddy," she coos at Thomas, then gives Rafael a wide smile. "Good to see you."

"And you," Rafael replies, their usual greeting. "How is he today?"

"Loud. He's been squealing on and off all day. I think he's figured out he's the one making the noise." She sets the carseat on the coffee table and bends down to adjust his blanket. "I've got milk for you guys, but I figure you don't need my diaper bag."

"No, Sonny dropped ours off here on his way to the scene," Rafael replies, gesturing to the dark blue bag covered in a pattern of rubber duckies. "I'm all set."

"Great!" Chloe plays with Thomas's little hands, then kisses him on the forehead. She sighs when she straightens up. "I'm almost used to dropping him off," she says with a self-deprecating grin.

"I think we're almost used to having him," Rafael replies. Chloe laughs before he can decide if it was the wrong thing to say. 

"Oh, I feel the same. Anyway, he's all yours until Sunday, like usual. I'll probably drop in a couple of times." 

"Sure." It's standard practice on both sides, though on theirs, it's Sonny who just wants to "drop in real quick" and get some time. Rafael comes along because he knows he should. He still doesn't feel much more than terror when he's got Thomas anywhere in his vicinity. 

"I'll call before I drop in. You've got my number. Please take all the pictures."

"We'll try," Rafael says, and he nods his goodbye as she leaves and he walks around the desk to look down at the baby. "We'll try," he says again. 

*

And now, here he is, four months in, Thomas quiet and content in his arms, and the terror is suddenly gone. Rafael feels like he's never held this kid before. His son. He feels like he's never held his son before. Feels like he's never noticed the way his downy hair sticks up from his scalp or the very, very blue of his eyes. 

"Sonny?"

"Yeah?" Sonny's still holding the bottle. He has his other arm curved around Rafael's waist so that Thomas is surrounded on both sides. 

Rafael reaches up and takes the bottle. Sonny curls in even closer. "I think I can do this," he says. He tries to say more, but his voice catches in his throat. 

"Yeah, you've got this," Sonny agrees, and Rafael can tell by his tone that he understands. That now, in this moment, he finally trusts in himself.

**Author's Note:**

> This was the prompt I didn't know I wanted to figure out, and oh god I'm sort of in love with everything I put in here now. Which is probably exactly how Rafael feels at the end.


End file.
